Non-food post: English First is stupid ... and bad grammar.

So there's a popular meme going around, it reads as follows:
WELCOME TO THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA Press 1 for English. Press 2 to disconnect until you learn to speak English. And remember only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you, JESUS CHRIST. And the AMERICAN SOLDIER. One died for your soul, the other for your freedom. If you agree... copy and paste in your status....

I don't even know where to begin with this. While I'm little-c conservative, and believe firmly in measured, calm progress, I'm actually fairly liberal when it comes to immigration and how we treat non-natives in this country. I believe strongly in letting any and all immigrants short of criminals (and I don't mean illegal immigrants) come to this country to pursue the perhaps-mythical American Dream.

The first presumption, and the one that offends me most, is that all those who live in the United States should speak English. While it is of course a requirement to have a modicum of fluency to attain citizenship, there are those who are here as guests, as students to learn and appreciate what the US has to offer, and those who are here as family of those who have moved here to attain the above-mentioned dream. This genuinely offends me, perhaps most because it presumes that those who wish to speak their native language are not fluent in English. As someone who is fluent in more than just English, I can say with utmost certainty that even being fluent in another language doesn't change the comfort and ease that speaking my native language gives. Especially in a land where it is rare to hear my native tongue. Wanting to speak your native language in no way denigrates English; wanting to speak your native language in no way implies a lack of fluency - though that might be my ego speaking.

Also, the concept of fluency presumes a set vocabulary. My mother, whom I love dearly, wouldn't know a ... well, a router (señalizador de ruta) versus a router (router de mesa). And yet we presume that a foreigner should know the difference.

The second presumption, and the one that amuses me the most, is the presumption that those who are born American should get a pass on fluency, either in English or another language. It always seems that those who are most ardent about English First are also those who are least likely to speak any other tongue. It's more than a little presumptuous to think you have an inherent right to pursue life, liberty, and happiness and deny others simply by accident of birth.

Additionally, those who are most ardent also seem to be the least fluent. I'm not talking about being unable to discern when to use "effect" and "affect," or "who" and "whom"; I'm referring to people who wouldn't be able to find subject-verb agreement with a field guide to grammar. Who think it's a badge of pride that they ain't never had no college education. And who wouldn't see the point I just made.

So I propose this: we abolish the provision of foreign language options, absolutely. And instead we implement a franchise test. A grammar and vocabulary test that covers up through, say, high school graduate English skills, and the person must pass it before he receives the ability to vote. Or have a driver's license. Or be able to work in a job that pays more than minimum wage. This seems fair to me - holding everyone to the same standards and expectations.

I said I was conservative, didn't I?

As for the last portion - I can't wrap my head around it. Comparing American soldiers to the Messiah of a major religion baffles me, and elevates them in a manner that is simultaneously jingoistic and completely lacking in perspective. I respect American soldiers, and think they are doing a great service and taking high risks. But they are doing a job, a job by choice, and deserve the same respect that we accord firefighters and police officers. No more, no less.